I might as well write some more – I don’t know what else to do at the moment.
I looked up the difference between an open relationship and polyamory out of curiosity. To quote the article I found: “An open relationship is one where one or both partners have a desire for sexual relationships outside of each other, and polyamory is about having intimate, loving relationships with multiple people.”
By that definition, Dave and I already have an open relationship, so what I guess I wanted was a polyamorous one. Does it really matter anymore now, to know the difference? I mean…Dave has said his say in the matter, and I guess so has Billy, though I’m not really sure ‘I’m cool with whatever’ is much of an answer, even if it is a very Billy answer to give. Moreover, I made my choice…right?
I’ve hurt Dave more than ever should have happened, and I really do care about him and don’t want to hurt him any further. I didn’t plan to fall for Billy, it just happened. I can’t control my emotions. What am I supposed to do, just turn myself from Asami level 10 to level, I dunno…2, so I don’t end up falling? Is that even possible for any human being, let alone me?
I don’t want to become a Willow, and use magic so much and so often for every little thing that I can’t function properly without it. Meaning, I don’t want to use magic to close myself off (assuming I could), or to read the thoughts of others (which really seems like it might lend to more of a negative thing than not), or to influence their actions. It doesn’t feel right.
I can’t hide or topic dodge forever though, no matter how much I don’t want to deal with it. I just…I don’t want to hurt anyone, and the only solution I’ve found where that’s the closest possible outcome i the one I’ve already taken, and yet I feel like there must be something else, something I’m not taking into consideration. Again though, I don’t want to use magic to look at timelines or outcomes (frankly, I’m afraid of further headaches, and the little guy that poofed Jasper into non-existence).
I need a damn sign, something to point me in the right direction…assuming there is one to go. Maybe just overall clarity. Maybe just a regular sense of normalcy. Not even full normalcy even, just, like…getting back to school and taking care of the house, and yes, going to work, even though that work will now be anything but normal.
Maybe I just need a vacation to find myself, I don’t know. Here’s hoping for some guidance.