It’s early on Saturday morning as I write this. I haven’t thought about my journal in a bit, but it was never really meant to be an ‘I must write daily’ kind of thing – just a thing to express my thoughts and such when and as I need. Now is one of those times. I could just do an introspective, but I think I need to do a recap of the past couple of days first before I go ahead and do that though – and even then I suspect I may still need to further detangle my thoughts.
Okay, so where did I leave off? Right…I had last recapped Wednesday. Well…most of it. I kind of forgot to mention that, in the blindfold the guys experiment, I had mind linked with Reyr. I did a bad though, and didn’t check beforehand what he might be doing. The bad part is that he was having a nice, sit down dinner at a fancy, multi-michelin star type place with an elderly couple I presumed to be his grandparents.
So yes, I freaked out a bit, and no, I did not answer the phone when he called. The first time it went straight to voicemail – the second time, Sayuri answered and I ended up taking it. I got a brief, mini lecture about appropriate time and place before he ended the call, and I’ve been fretting over whether or not he’s mad at me at all (no, he isn’t – more on that later).
Okay, so now into Thursday.
Usual routine in the morning for me – basic warm up stretch, simple kata, shower, then see what to do about breakfast. When I leave the room I had been using in the suite, I can overhear Billy on the phone in one of the other rooms, but not what is being said. Emmi is asleep on the couch (she had been gone for a while – would later find out that Billy had entrusted her to make his deliveries while we were at the training facility).
I’ve just about decided that room service might be the best option, as there wasn’t much in the kitchenette, when people start waking up and assembling, all in various stages of wakefulness. Billy takes the time to do two things. The first, is to explain to Emmi about the choker system that Sayuri had set up. See…she liked the shenanigans night the other night – you know, the night she was tied down and whoever got to do whatever – and decided to make this system. She owns two chokers – her heart choker is for the days she belongs solely to Tony. The other choker is far more obvious – it reads ‘slut’ on it, and that’s for days anyone can do what they want to her, though she reserves the right to refuse. Not a choice I would make personally, but she is not me.
The second thing is that Billy announces that the renovations are done, and we can head back home. Being in a swanky hotel was a nice experience and all, but home is home. We decided on a basic breakfast staple – cereal – and then packed up our belongings and the cats before settling the bill and heads home. Everything is to the specifications we wanted, and a portion of the basement has been nicely converted to gym space, complete with top tier equipment, and three dance poles in front of a wall of mirrors. Not something I plan to use, but it was requested. Not sure why there are three, though. Personally, I’m happiest about the martial arts equipment, and am wondering if I should pick up a bokken to practice with.
I’m not sure when, exactly – probably within the first couple hours of being home, so definitely still in the range of morning hours – Larry arrives with some information that Vanderbilt was able to procure on Blackthorne. In flipping through it, it is disappointingly skimpy, though is still more than what we had. Essentially, it’s a confirmed thing that Blackthorne is a vampire, is presently located in NYC, and has some political sway. Unfortunately, we are still stuck on how to proceed with this, though Billy has offered to take what information we do have, and use it along with his computer skills to put out some feelers and try to get some more intel.
I bring up an idea I’ve been mulling over for a couple of days – that of bringing our families over so that they can see for themselves that we are doing okay on our own; that we are holding down jobs, keeping things clean, and are in fact able to feed ourselves without eating out all the time. Besides…not everyone’s parents know one another very well, so this gives them an opportunity, and we all have each other to back on should they decide to be…much. I send out invites to gather availability, but only after getting permission from the others. We all feel certain that my father and Machiko will come, as well as Dave’s parents. It’s Tony’s parents that are up in the air, though the effort is being made. Perhaps if they don’t answer, or say no, I can ask the Chen’s to persuade them? I know the Chen’s and Takeda’s have been friends for some time.
From there, we turn the topic of conversation to theoretics on how to balance the school/work/life dynamic; possibly obtaining our GEDs to eliminate at least one potential stressor for the time being (I would later learn that Billy has had his for about three years now, and has just been attending the school out of sheer boredom). As we’ve been talking, I’ve taken stock of what we have in the kitchen, and determine we should get some shopping done. Sayuri and Billy volunteer to come with me, though before we leave Billy wants to test something.
He has Sayuri lie down, then positions himself to eat her out. I guess he had new tongue tricks to try out, because I’m pretty sure that was his dino tongue, and not his actual tongue, that he was using. They guys catch the tail end of this performance, and I believe it was Tony who cited that it wasn’t fair. For my part, I wandered off to preoccupy myself with something else, as I wasn’t really interested in watching.
When they were finished, and more composed, we headed out, with me driving. Nothing particularly exciting happens, much to Sayuri’s disappointment. I know it was her ‘group choker day’ and all, but I honestly don’t know what she was expecting. It’s not like nothing happened, either. Sure, it was just some minor, playful stuff (by Billy, I didn’t do anything and didn’t want to), but Billy is a lot shyer about public stuff than she is.
On the way to our next destination (a coffee shop), out of curiosity I asked Billy what it was like to have Tony suck him off the other night. He said it wasn’t really any different, and we learned that for a little while, even before his parents passed, he was kind of a club kid, and had spent a lot of time at Raeyr’s club and has experimented before as well. While at the coffee house, enjoying our little morning snack, I received an email from Machiko about the embarrassing Sayuri stories I had inquired about. Billy encourages me to wait to read them until after we get home, that way everyone can enjoy listening to them. She’s already somewhat mortified, and in a friendly effort to make her feel better, I was about to suggest that she could always ask my Dad for stories about me, and then got a little depressed. I explained why, when asked, saying simply that he was never really around, so I wasn’t sure if there would be any.
I get accused of being mopey, with Billy mentioning that just because Dad wasn’t home, that doesn’t mean that he didn’t ask. Sayuri detracts slightly by telling Billy he should kiss my neck like I like, but he doesn’t do anything, instead cryptically referring to possibly having a threesome when we get home. An idea occurs to Sayuri, so she drives us over to a spot she likes in an effort to cheer me up. It’s an art store, and while I appreciate the gesture, I wasn’t really interested. I haven’t done a whole lot with art since I moved to this country. Still, I picked up a few things before we headed home.
Once everything had been unpacked and put away, Billy collected Sayuri and I up to his room, with the guys following not long after to spectate. His focus was solely on pleasing us, and while I was not against this per se, I was not wholly comfortable with the situation as a whole. Yes, I could have said something, and yes, I know I just recently participated in a group setting. That was different though, and I know it sounds really weird, but last time not everybody was watching me, and I’m not sure I really like such an open setting. Fairly positive I prefer more intimacy.
Particular focus is paid to wearing out Sayuri, which I am more than fine with, if only to pull out of an awkward situation. It would become apparent that the whole point was to wear Sayuri out to the point of exhaustion, so that she couldn’t fight or protest for the next thing – the reading of the embarrassing stories Machiko had sent. With a flourish, he reads off each of the three stories – one about her first change, one about her first big crush, and one about why she doesn’t eat red meat. He then passes the phone around to show attached image files of drawings Sayuri had done of her first crush.
For whatever reason, she is most embarrassed about this crush thing…despite the fact we all already knew she had a crush on me, as she had told us in a truth or dare session like, a month ago. Because she’s all bright red and trying to hide, Billy crouches down next to her and asks: “So, you had a crush on Asami.”, and waits for an answer. All she does, however, is try to make herself as small as possible in an effort to disappear. Seeing this, Tony decides to be an imp and whispers over to Billy (which she notices – I mean, when doesn’t she notice?), who then stands up, moves back a bit, and proclaims: “If you don’t answer, you never get to touch me again.”
She gets hung up on if the ‘me’ being referred to is Billy or Tony, but as no one answers, she gives in and says yes, and that part of her thinks she still might have a crush on me. She looks over at Tony, the look on her face akin to that of a child seeking forgiveness for something that isn’t a problem, because they don’t want to upset anyone. Tony pulls a Tony, and cracks a joke to the effect of being terribly upset, and is going to run off to get turned into a vampire. I try to get Dave to make him stop, but he joins in, making a similar statement, so I get up and swat them both. It’s happened before, and they’re always amused.
She’s still afraid we’re going to be upset about this, making a semi-whiny statement to the effect of “Well, I told you I had a crush at some point, not that I still do.” Tony sighs and decides to prove that he’s not upset with her, and promptly carts her off to their room, remarking about needing to test the newly reinforced ceiling hooks.
Billy turns his attention now to the Blackthorne file, sitting down at his computer to begin working, so Dave and I leave him alone and head downstairs, where he talks to me about his desire to look into the enhancements that the company offers. He wants more than the simple implant that my Dad had, but doesn’t want to take things as far as Steve did. I admittedly have my concerns and reservations, but keep them mainly to myself. Instead, I ask that he go ahead and look into it, but ask that we go over the information together. He jokes again about the vampire thing, before heading downstairs to check out the gym.
I really wish that people would stop with that joke. It stings every damn time.
Alone now, I flip through a short mental list of things I could do, and decide to just grab a snack pack and an energy drink from the kitchen, and head upstairs to check on Billy, since the conversation with Dave was a longer one. He’s appreciative of the gesture, especially seeing as how it’s not quite time for me to begin prepping for dinner. He’s gotten feelers out for information, but it’s going to take time to get anything back – if anything come back. Talk about some options again, and he suggest that maybe contacting Vanderbitl again would be a good idea, as he might have some ideas.
As it is technically a good idea, I send out the text, then offer to keep him company while he does his thing, but he declines. Leaving him to his work, I head back downstairs, with a few minutes to spare before a knock sounds at the front door. It is Vanderbilt, having come to discuss my text, as he doesn’t want to discuss that sort of thing over the phone, which is understandable. He inquires as to the location of the others, but I explain that they are busy at the moment, so we go ahead and discuss.
He is perfectly willing to help us out further, at personal expense, in exchange for a favor. Since we would be in NYC anyway, he would like for us to take out a rival of his that is also located there. Not wanting to make a decision like this alone, I ping Sayuri to join us (it was a task set for her and I anyway), then wait for her to arrive downstairs. I repeat this information to her, and she asks one or two questions for clarification. Vanderbilt is even considerate enough to offer us information on his rival before we accept, so we agree to look it over. On his way out, he pauses to mention that there is another favor he would be willing to accept – some of our blood. Apparently, the blood of some other supernatural types can have almost drug-like effects on vampires, and could be lucrative for him.
We agree to consider both options, and after he leaves, Sayuri comments on how vampires are so much more respectful than faeries. Turning the topic to dinner, I ask if she and Tony will be joining for dinner, or resuming previous activities. She’s sort of brain fried, so I just tell her to sit while I go and ask. Am bid entrance after knocking, to find Tony picking up and coiling rope, so I help for a minute while I ask about dinner, and he states that they’ll go ahead and join us. I take a couple of minutes to help him finish up before going downstairs, working through an idea of what to make in my mind as I go. I hadn’t quite finished figuring things out, when I walked into the kitchen, only to find that, in the time I was gone, Dave had taken the opportunity to bend Sayuri over the counter and have a go.
So yes, I was stunned. I wasn’t expected to just walk into one of the common areas of the house and find something like this, but in retrospect, maybe it’s something I should have expected. In any event, he just looks up and asks if I mind. I just tell them to clean up when they’re done so I can work on dinner, and leave the room. Thinking back on it, yes, I was bothered by it. I don’t think so much that it was Dave doing things without checking first – even if it were, what ground do I have to stand on? I’m not going to tell him what to do – if he wants to, he wants to, and in the end I don’t think it bothers me. Honestly, I think what bothered me most was that it was in the kitchen.
When Dave came to collect me and let me know they were done and I could start dinner, I went to do that. I may have been in a mood, as a result of what I had walked in on – and because of what was going on at the table behind me. Apparently, Sayuri hadn’t had enough, and Tony was helping her along, right there at the table. Kind of hard to not know what was going on, but I was trying to focus on cooking. Can I make a ‘no sexual activity in the kitchen’ rule? Do you think that would fly? Or is it something I should just deal with? Maybe I’ll just deal with it, and if it happens again, then people are on their own for a meal.
Dinner itself is proper at least, though while cleanup is occurring there is a knock at the door, so Sayuri goes to answer. Vanderbilt had sent Larry over with the information about his rival. I have to say, I do appreciate Vanderbilt’s timeliness. When cleanup is over, we flip through the information about the guy, someone named Penhallow. Most notably, he’s quite wealthy, owns a bank, dabbles in politics, and runs a child slavery ring. Yes, you read that right. Apparently, what he does is kidnap children, and makes them do one of two things (that Vanderbilt knows of) – work in a sweatshop, or serve as his food bank. There is no information as to how long he’s been doing this, but as he is a vampire, it’s probably a fairly safe bet that it has been for a while. Not that that should matter, as the whole situation is appalling, and we decide we’ll do this to repay the favor we owe Vanderbilt.
The guys insist on helping, and honestly, we don’t protest. It’s something we’re going to have to do sooner or later as part of work anyway. I take the information and hand it over to Billy, suggesting that he use his skills to try and obtain blueprints and such of Penhallow’s holdings, so we can try and gain more insight into this matter at the very least. He heads upstairs to take care of that, while Sayuri laments a bit about how if we manage to eliminate Penhallow, we will probably get a target painted on our backs since Blackthorne is influential as well, to which I retort that that is only if we get caught. We have enough skill and ability to get around a lot of things, I think (magic and umbral travel, for starters).
With everyone present by this point, I turn the talk to the discussion of obtaining our GEDs to make one less stressor in our lives. Everyone is okay with this – except for Sayuri, who is weirdly fixated on still being able to graduate. She wants to walk up and across that stage, get her diploma, smile and wave, and walk off. I don’t know why. I don’t get why the ceremony is such a big deal for anyone, really. It’s the proof of your accomplishment that’s important. Besides…doesn’t she realize that even if we did complete the school year, she would be the only one graduating? She’s the senior, not the rest of us.
Discussion continues on other matters, and we decide that, as much as we may not want to, we’ll make Friday a day of adulting and erranding – getting information about taking care of GED stuff, emancipation for those who need it (basically everyone except Sayuri), vet trip for the cats, and collecting information on enhancements that the company provides. Once a consensus is reached, I head up to inform Billy of tomorrow’s plans, again offering to keep him company, but again the offer is declined. I make my way back downstairs, just in time for a delivery person to make another flower delivery. This time (and I looked up what I couldn’t recognize right away), the bouquet consisted of a single flower of the following: a red rose, a daisy, a tulip, a bluebonnet, a violet, a lily of the valley, a daffodil, an iris, a morning glory, a tiger lily, a thistle, a chrysanthemum, a dandelion, and a pansy.
The attached card simply read Hope you have a golden afternoon!. Sayuri wonders who could keep sending them, and I just shrug. Before she or anyone else can ask, I comment that I could probably look, but likely all the info I would get is who had gotten and made the arrangement. At this point, more or less everyone decided that we would just call it a night, and we headed to our rooms. My plan was to just try and sleep – it had been a full day, after all, and I was feeling tired. Fortunately, I got the sleep that I had wanted.
So now we’re on to Friday. Yesterday. Today? Whatever…it’s early Saturday, technically, so I’ll just say yesterday. Anyway, it begins like most days – warm up stretches, kata, shower – though now that we are back home there is also a trip to the shrine, to light incense and pray before working on breakfast. Most people have filtered in by this point, save for Billy, so I ask Sayuri to keep an eye on it as it finishes, and head up to let Billy know. He’s still passed out, and after trying to wake him, I learn that he’d only gone to bed half an hour prior. I tell him I will let him sleep until lunch, and before he passes out again, he passes me some papers he had printed up. I take the time to write a quick note while I am up there, thinking ahead, and take his phone (the note simply saying I was trying to give him distraction free rest).
Downstairs, I hand the phone to Tony, and request that he monitor it, in case Billy gets any delivery orders, stating that Billy stayed up late, and work on serving up breakfast. Flipping through the info after eating, I find Billy was able to successfully get some information, including something very important – it appears as though Penhallow lives under the bank. I hand the information over to Sayuri, and suggest that perhaps she go ask her mom about possible infiltration approaches (I mean, that is supposed to be their family specialty, right?), then ask Frank to help me herd the cats into their respective carriers.
The vet’s office takes a little while – in part, because there are two cats to look over, and in part because they had to dislodge something from Herp. I am handed a small bag with the item that was stuck, and am given care instructions and general health updates on both animals (both are healthy – and Herp sounds normal!). On the way home, I happen to see Emmi, and pull over, asking if she needs a ride anywhere. As it turns out, she was headed to our place anyway, so she gets in, and I continued on my way.
At home, I let the cats out, and look over the item the vet had removed from Herp. It is a small piece of jewelry, which I clean off and show the others. I reach over to scritch Herp between the ears, and he starts talking. This is shocking to everyone else (Tony does, in fact, drop Billy’s phone), but he had already been talking to me in the car a little on the way back to the house. Herp calls the item a bindi, and explains that he’s been holding on to it for me, because he is the manifestation of my avatar. Of course, nothing can ever be easy, and for whatever reason, Emmi and Herp begin to bicker.
I take the opportunity to pick up the dropped phone, hand it back to Tony, and check on Billy. He is laying sprawled haphazardly on the bed, clad in just his shorts and skates, so I go to cover him up at the very least. He wakes up, just long enough to ask if lunch is ready yet, then falls back asleep after I tell him no. Downstairs, I ask Sayuri how things went with her mom, and while she’s going over the conversation the two of them had, there is a yelp from Emmi. She declares that Herp bit her, something the cat himself vehemently denied, and they begin bickering again. Ultimately, Herp is removed from the room, and Emmi gets reabsorbed into her book.
Annoyed by the bickering, and wanting to re-incite it by trying to ask Herp questions, I text Raeyr to ask a few things. Namely, is it common for an avatar to manifest (not common, but not unheard of), and what is a bindi (it’s a magic item I put on my forehead over the third eye that can store more quintessence and absorb more paradox). I work on lunch when it’s closer to time, and have Sayuri wake Billy when it’s nearly done, and have Tony let Dave know.
Lunch conversation is relatively simplistic – informing people that Larry had been contacted earlier in the day to gather necessary information for us on the GED testing and emancipation items (as well as legitimacy wanted for the tests, to which Sayuri reminds everyone that if it were illegitimacy that we wanted, she could handle that). Emmi had one of her ‘wake up’ moments at this time, and sheemed overall appalled that we would not be attending school when it reopened. The only explanation really give was that we have on call jobs that might interfere.
Still on topic, we discuss testing (and it’s again mentioned how Sayuri doesn’t want to take the GED), the fact that Billy earned his three years ago, and then about how we initially even met Billy. Emmi is a bit difficult to read, but it certainly seems to be a shade of disgust, and wonders aloud how she ‘got roped into all this’. Then this conversation happens:
Sayuri: You wanted weed.
Emmi: Oh yeah
Billy: I’m the weed master.
Sayuri: Not with that tongue of yours you’re not.
Tony: I’m trying to eat here.
Emmi: Eww. I don’t want to think about that.
The topic gets shifted, then, to what we are going to do about the cats while we are in NYC, and we decide to see if Machiko will check in on them, as she’s not unused to taking care of them. At a suggestion from someone that we might want to take Herp, he is brought into the room to be asked this very question. While he is, in fact, a valuable source of magical information, he would not be of much use outside of that. Focusing on me for a moment, he comments that I have been doing nicely with my magic so far, but that I have been slow and need to practice more. Little Miss Vixen Sayuri decides to comment on how I do go to practice, but that we don’t really practice. I respond by shoving a piece of food in her mouth, to which Emmi comments on how she would think Sayuri were used to that.
I probably could have handled my annoyance better, but honestly, I am not constantly having sex with my mentor. It has happened approximately once, and yet I feel like everyone assumes it’s an every time thing. Every lesson or opportunity since that first time has been here, and nothing has happened.
Piggybacking off of Emmi’s comment, Herp sidelines that he would think she would be used to being stuffed other places as well. I try to move the focus away from sex by saying I’ve been afraid to practice magic recently becuase of the whole time thing, and am just told not to do that anymore. Again, he brings up my needing to practice more, and suggests I can do things such as levitating objects, looking forward or backward in time, or predicting the order of cards even. “You are a mage. You make reality your bitch, and should be afraid of nothing.” is a statement he made.
Things are quiet for a moment before I mention that we might want to let people know about our upcoming ‘vacation’, to which Emmi has one of her wake up moments and decides to snark with “You’re not going to drag me along, are you?” and she’s only told it’s her choice. She wasn’t invited, but her help wouldn’t be turned away, either. I don’t think she was expecting this, because all she did was mumble something about being of no use in combat, and went back to her book, while the rest of us return to lunch.
It’s not long after when Larry arrives with the requested information. We review it, sign emancipation paperwork, and the bulk of us agree to take the GEDs in one go. Emmi still can’t believe we aren’t going to go back to school, but we ignore her and discuss other things instead. The topic of my magic comes up again when Emmi has another wake up moment (honestly, these moments are more like snapping back to reality from her book world) and says it occurs to her now that she doesn’t know what I do. I just kind of stare blankly at her for a moment, as it’s been discussed right in front of her several times as to what I can do, but I repeat that I can do magic. She equates this to stage magic, and I begin to gently correct er when Sayuri intejects with various feats I’ve performed (sparks from my fingertips, freeze time, etc), but Emmi gets weirdly fixated on one thing and asks if it would be possible for me to light a lightbulb for her so that she can read, and Herp finds the whole exchange insulting.
It’s about this time that I (somewhat meekly, I admit), ask Herp if I should look into getting another mentor. Surprisingly, he thinks Raeyr is a fine teacher for me, as he is more capable of giving magic the framing of understanding that I need. Certainly, Herp himself understands magic, but magic in its purest form. As such, he cannot relate enough to me to put things into a manner I could understand. He thinks for a moment, and says that I should look into obtaining a familiar, and should ask my mentor about that. Pondering this, I decide to see Raeyr about this, as well as to apologize face-to-face.
Dave is on his way out to get the enhancements information, so I check with him to make sure he’s okay with me going to Raeyr’s alone before I head out. To sum up that visit – it was brief, and had at least one awkward moment. He accepted the apology, though said I didn’t need to do so since I had already done so over the phone, and we went over familiars. He’s going to check with some people he knows about helping me obtain one, as he doesn’t have the necessary knowledge to do it himself. A comment is made about how I should learn one sphere in particular, as it connects to all things. That is something he can teach me, and I offered him use of the tree node, which he appreciated. The awkward moment came when he asked if I had come over for another reason. Yes, I thought about being with him again – this time, without the pain of it being my first time. But, I didn’t say anything. He might suspect? I don’t know – I know he knows now that I’m attracted to him, at the very least.
Heading home afterward, I pull up to the garage, which is open (Tony is checking over the various vehicles), and Sayuri runs out, stating she’d like to talk to me. She prefaces by telling me she discussed what she was about to tell me with Tony the night before, and he’s okay with it. She steels her nerve, and then drops the bombshell (as it were): she has feelings for me – as in, falling for me, even comparing it to my having fallen for Billy. To be honest, I cannot even fully comprehend that at the moment, and just tell her that while I am flattered, I’m not sure that I feel the same – that I’m not sure how I feel about anything right now, with how much is going on. I toss Tony my keys, telling him he can look over the bike, and walk into the house under the guise of going to figure out dinner for later.
To my surprise, Billy is already working on dinner. He’s prepared a menu from scratch, and seems to be really into cooking. I offer to help, but he declines, so I sit and watch him for a bit before he asks me to let everyone know that dinner will be ready in about twenty minutes. On my way to the garage to let Tony and Sayuri know, Dave comes in, with a bag full of information from the company. I pass along the message, and when I return, Dave is talking to Billy about the different options the company has, such as implants, grafts, cybernetics, and so on.
Dinner itself is a simple affair of burgers (beef, soy, and turkey), fries, and brownies (the only thing from a mix). It’s all really good, and I take a photo to send to my Dad to show him the progress Billy has made, as he was the one that suggested that I teach Billy to cook. When I mention this, Sayuri suggests we add it to Billy’s photo album, so he can have memories of his new family now. This really touches him, and while I think of it, I ask if I can take a photo of his parents for the shrine, and he gives his okay.
Looking through the book (and they really did look like an amazing little family), I select a picture of just his parents, and walk over to the butsudan and open it. I shift the picture of my mom from the bottom center, over to the right, and put the photo of Billy’s parents next to her. Above those photos is a sketch I had made of Jasper (not in his green suit, but one of him in his true form as revealed to us), and then closed the shrine.
We all help clean up after, discussing what we might want to do for the evening as we do. I suggest that we obtain Kyle’s trophy. Sayuri had originally planned on doing it, but as Billy knows where it’s kept (at the school, not Kyle’s house), and what it looks like, I task the guys to handle it, and suggest Sayuri and I get those tattoos. We meet up with Dad, who signs the necessary forms (would also later find out that he paid as well). Sayuri goes off to get that under boob tattoo that she wanted (still don’t understand the appeal of a tat there, personally), while I hand my sketches over to the artist and get prepped for mine.
Mine takes a couple of hours, but that’s to be expected, as it’s fairly detailed. It’s only an outline right now – I’ll have to come back to get it colored and shaded in at least a couple more sessions. Getting the tattoo done in and of itself didn’t bother me all that much. For her part, Sayuri’s tattoo didn’t take all that long (at least comparatively), but she was kind of bored waiting around, so she went and got her nipples pierced (no idea why). After my artist has finished outlining and gives aftercare instructions, we head out to the car, and try to figure out if there’s anything else we want to do. I had made a joke comment earlier in the day about tassels, so I suggest she do some shopping at an adult store.
She’s perusing, and I’m sticking next to her, as I’m not wholly comfortable being in there. She selects a few things, and asks if I want anything. Initially, I decline, but end up selecting a small variety pack of massage oils. She insists on getting a toy for me and picks one out, so on the way to the counter I dump a ball gag in her basket, insisting on that. From there she stops somewhere to pick up a basic zippered hoodie, in order to hide her new piercings.
The guys aren’t home when we get there, so I head upstairs to put my share of the purchases away, tucked into my nightstand, before I head back down. I had asked Sayuri to check in with Billy, expecting her to text or something, but instead she uses the pack telepathy to do so. Getting the trophy went fine – they’re just hanging out right now. When asked if they should head back, I tell him no – that they deserve to have a guys’ night, and to just hang out and have fun. After that, we’re trying to figure out what to do, and can’t really come up with anything, so we just talk. I do bring up the fact that I don’t like all this stuff hanging over my head, and I don’t want to keep procrastinating on it. I didn’t get into it, but it’s always been a thing with me that, the longer something gets put off, the more likely I am to just go off and do it, even if it’s on my own, just to get it done. At one point while talking, I trail off, having spotted the bag Dave brought home from the company.
I’m pretty obviously staring at it, so Sayuri encourages me to look. I mean, I wanted to look, but I also wanted to trust Dave. I end up snatching the bag and looking through, just to allay my fear that he might have gone ahead and done something. Fortunately though, it’s only information, so I put everything back in the bag, and place the bag back where it had been, and we put on a random movie.
When the guys get back, I get the trophy from them, and place it on the shelf above the shrine. Ask them about their night, then I show off the work done on my back so far. Well, not to be outshined, Sayuri shows hers off, but is careful to not show off the piercings. They join us for the movie, though Billy heads off to make popcorn first. When everyone is back together, we talk about how everyone’s evening went, and Sayuri mentions that she and I also went shopping. I believe the exact phrase was “we got some things to have some fun” was what she used, which of course piqued curiosity. I offered to show Tony what had been purchased, in an effort to be a brat towards Sayuri, though she responded that she wanted to see when I did, because she thought the reaction would be hilarious.
Rather than the three of us head up and review her purchases, however, I pinged Billy and asked to make sure she stayed put, then verbally asked Dave to assist, and took Tony upstairs to show him the spread. As he was looking over the spread, I pointed out the ‘experimentation toy’ Sayuri had commented on while we were downstairs, and mentioned it was my idea, and that, primarily, I thought it would be easier than taking on Billy. I wave the guys off when we are downstairs, and Sayuri tries to be a brat back, but only kind of ends up implying that Tony is a minute man.
We sit around conversating again for a while, the movie largely forgotten, when Sayuri laments that she can’t swim for six weeks. At the guys’ puzzlement, she has to out herself and show off her piercings. I honestly don’t know why she bothered to hide it in the first place, but I am not her, so whatever. A little more talking, and we all call it a night, and head to our rooms. For my part, I mostly lay on my stomach, eyes closed, listening to some quiet music while Dave goes through the information he’d collected earlier in the day, setting some aside and discounting others entirely (I do end up handing him a sharpie at one point to mark what he is interested in).
Mostly though, we don’t talk, and I ended up drifting off to sleep while he was still looking through stuff. I woke up sometime later to find him asleep, and the lights and music off. I’m not sure how long, but I spent a while trying to get relaxed enough to get back to bed, but my mind wouldn’t run down. I nudged Dave, but he didn’t wake, so instead I got up and quietly headed to Billy’s room and knocked lightly, cracking the door after a few minutes of waiting, only to find out that he wasn’t there. The rest of the house was quiet, so I could only assume that he had once again joined Tony and Sayuri.
I had wanted to talk things through, to work out what was running through my head with someone, but as no one is awake, I’m left contemplating it all myself again. Now that I’ve sat here, writing everything out, I’m thinking maybe it’s better that I’m not talking to anyone right now. It has nothing to do with trust or anything of that nature – it’s more of being able to comprehend and detangle my own thoughts so that I can properly understand them. I mean, if I can’t, how is anyone else going to?
So I thought that, maybe, here at the end of my recap, I’d make an attempt to detangle some thoughts – mostly about people, but we’ll see what comes out as I try to detangle things.
I’ll start with Herp. My avatar isn’t at all what I expected. He sounds like a saucy British intellectual type, and so far as been grumpy, though I am hoping that is just a combination of having had the bindi stuck in his throat for a while, and Emmi being less than bright. I was told I should be thankful for a manifested avatar that I can talk to, as typically, they’re vague creatures. I think I am both flattered and honored by this, though I also worry. What if Herp gets injured? Can he be killed? If something happens to him, will I stop being a mage entirely?
Since I’m on the topic of magic, I’ll discuss Raeyr next. I told him as much in my call with him the other night, but, like Billy, he turned out to be a surprising individual. Upon first meeting, he seems very much like a party guy. Granted, we were in a rave club on first meeting, but that’s the vibe I got, and it didn’t change a lot on our first lesson together. In subsequent meetings, he seems like he might be at least a bit of an intellectual (based on his presenting me with quantum physics and being able to help me understand that), compassionate (based on willingness to deal with me in all my meness), and well…sort of grounding, I guess? He’s helped put things into perspective, I’ll put it that way.
And attraction? Yes, it’s there. I told him I found him attractive the other night in that same call I mentioned. Attraction is one type of draw, but I think there’s more than just physical attraction drawing me to him. No, I don’t think I’ve developed any feelings for him like I’ve got for Billy or Dave, but I do think that maybe there is more there than just the physical attraction. Maybe it’s just the idea that an older guy is interested in me. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking. I do sometimes still think of my first time with him. He was rather clear that this wasn’t anything other than just sex, but I can still remember how he made me feel, and I know the pain had nothing to do with him.
So what’s holding me back then?
Well…a few things. My guilt, for starters. Guilt for not saying something before doing anything. Dave, for two. I know after we talked, he said he would be okay with us doing that in order to practice magic. But there’s the thing – to practice. Not because I want to, but for practice. Maybe I’m overthinking things, but his words plus my guilt have kept me restrained. Third? Varied commentary from the group as a whole. It may be funny to them to joke about my having had sex with Raeyr as a means to see what I could accomplish using that energy, but to me it hurts. It hurts that they keep joking about it, it hurts that despite my protests, they don’t seem to believe that it’s only happened once. It also just amplifies my guilt, and yes, I’ve tried speaking up about it a couple of times already. Then, there’s the comment he made after he found out how old I was: “Oh great, I’m a pedophile”. You think that doesn’t sting too?
So yeah, there’s a lot holding me back on that one.
It’s so quiet right now.
Where was I?
Oh, there’s Billy. I suppose I’ll touch on him, next. It seems like I’m not going to get much of a chance to spend time alone with him again. There was that one night, the one wherein my confession of such led Dave to run off and become a vampire. I liked being with him, I liked laying in his arms. But…well, I feel like I may as well give up. I can’t pursue that – again, there is Dave to consider. Dave who, initially, said he didn’t want to share my heart, who later changed his answer to be okay with things, as long as he was present. Am I reading too much into that? I don’t know – I really don’t. In the past two weeks, I’ve offered to have him spend time or evenings with me and/or Dave, and I’ve offered to keep him company on more than one occasion in the past two days alone. Nothing. Declines of offers, but he’s spent time aplenty with Tony and/or Sayuri, it feels like. So, maybe I’m jealous, I don’t know. Does it sting? Sure…but I don’t know what to do about it.
I guess finally there’s Dave. I care about Dave a lot – I’ve even told him I loved him. But..do I really? Am I saying it because I actually do? Or because I’m afraid of what he might do if I don’t? I know he hasn’t done anything mind-numbingly erratic, such as what caused me to try and reverse time in the first place. I also know that he’s appalled by what he did when he learned of it. However…the fact remains that, technically, he did do it. So there is still that capacity there for something to happen again, for some degree of obsession or need to be good enough to slip in and take over his sensibilities. Those fears of how far he might go, depending on what I do? Those are still there. They aren’t going away.
But what do I do about it? One the one hand, I feel like I should break things off. Like Raeyr told me, I shouldn’t feel like I have to wake on eggshells. So why don’t I? Simply put…I’m scared. I’m scared of him snapping. No matter how that snap might happen – violently or otherwise, I’m still afraid of it happening. Guilt is another reason – I have already hurt him so much, I don’t want to hurt him anymore. Logistics might be another one. We live together. We share a room. What happens if we split up? What happens to the group dynamic? And there, we circle back to the initial reason I never wanted to date my friends.
What about other things?
I don’t know. I think I need to dial things back a few notches, and maybe just forget about a lot for now, and focus on what’s in front of me. Cut back on the sex, try to figure out my feelings more in depth and figure out what to do, and focus on my personal goals – learning more skills, finding out more about my mother’s family, practicing magic.
I can’t do it alone though. I don’t want to say anything to anyone. Not right now, not until I have things figured out. So what do I do? How do I avoid the inevitable questions? How do I deal with the occasional nightmares? Because yes, I’ve been having some, and I’m not referring to the group nightmares we’ve had a couple of times. I’m referring to the ones where I picture all manners of what-ifs from Dave if he had stayed a vampire, or from now if he snaps. I’m talking about the ones where I am being shot in the back all over again, and can feel the burn of the bullets as they enter my flesh, and the slow choking and suffocating on the blood that began to well up before I could be healed. In those dreams, the suffering doesn’t end.
Maybe Steve was right. Maybe I should ask him how to look into the therapy services the company offers, and keep it on the down low for now.
I’ll try and do that in the morning, then propose we deal with the werewolves in the afternoon or evening. I’m tired of waiting to deal with that.
Now? Now I try and find and damned good place to hide this. Yes, it’s written in kanji. There’s still a chance it will be found, read, and relayed. So I’m going to comb over the house to find a good spot, and hide it. And then? Then I try to sleep. Morning routine. Breakfast. Work. Practice. Wolves.