Here lately I’ve been wondering what my life would be like if I hadn’t opened that email. If I hadn’t agreed to meet the demon.
I wouldn’t have Ben or Donnie in my life. I wouldn’t have reconnected with my family. Those are the cons.
On the pro side, I wouldn’t have been responsible for four deaths. Four! Has it really been that many? Let me think….the IA guy, the little girl we kidnapped, Suki, and the businessman that owed Donovan money.
….
What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing it? Is it solely out of fear for my own life, or does some part of me like it? It’s the latter that scares me most, I think.
So what does scare me right now?
Donovan scares me. What he might do to me if I disobey, what he might make me do. Nicodemus too – he’s unpredictable. Hell, any of the vampires really – except maybe Max. Friendly as he’s been though, I have to remember that he’s dangerous.
On the more mundane side of things, getting married scares me. Potentially becoming a mother scares me. I can’t explain why, to either statement, but thoughts of both do tend to frighten me a little – I suppose part of the reason is because of what I am now.
Alternatively, what makes me feel safe?
Ben does, at least lately. He’s always concerned for me, and has been there for me. I don’t know a lot about him, not nearly enough to know if I should be feeling this way, or even if I should trust him, but I do on both counts.
Donnie makes me feel…no, not safe. But calm. Free, in a manner of speaking. He wants to be my rock in the stormy sea that is my life, and I want and need that so badly right now. Additionally, if it weren’t for his encouragement, I never would have reconnected with my family, and that reconnecting has been a blessing, I feel.
My faith. I haven’t been practicing it as much as I ought to lately. I’ve strayed from my path, and I need to ground myself, to reconnect with my spirituality. The work I’ve been doing for Donovan is wearing me down, and I need to be strong.
Gabe. Simply because he’s my older brother and has always looked out for me. He continues to do so, and even though I try to protect him from the things in my world,he’s always there for me.
Does the good outweigh the bad?
I don’t really know. The perks are nice – the things the blood offers me, Donovan’s generosity, the aforementioned Donnie, Ben and family; the friends I’ve made in Danielle and Sandy…all good things. The bad is pretty bad though. I either need to deal with it, or take Max and/or Billy up on their offer soon. Maybe even Ben’s offer.
Hell, I don’t know.
I just know that I don’t like killing. I don’t like the idea of being in total enslavement to Donovan once I have one more drink of his blood.
I don’t know! I don’t know what to do!
A good part of me wants to cry. Part of me wants to go to a bar and drink until I don’t remember anything – but I’m not a big drinker. Another part of me wants to grab Lovecraft and a few of my things and just go to the cabin. But people could easily find me there.
I don’t know what I want.
Wait – that’s not entirely true. I did write Donovan a letter tonight, asking his permission (his permission!) for me to move out. I know I’m overly emotional know, but I hope I was calmer when I wrote it, and he doesn’t take offense to it. I don’t want to disappoint him, if I can help it.
!!
What am I saying?!?
Lord and Lady protect me, always.
Blessed be.