She had been held up at work, apparently, and was very apologetic to Otosan about it, even placing a kiss on him as a way of saying sorry.
As she sat down, I noticed a new necklace around her neck. It seemed very familiar, though I couldn’t place it right away, so I inquired about it.
According to Jessica, my father had given it to her some weeks ago. Otosan chimed in at this point, stating that he had found it in a small box in his closet that he had forgotten about, and had decided to polish it up and give it to Jessica.
It occurred to me then why the necklace looked so familiar. It had belonged to Kaasan, and was a treasure that was supposed to have been handed down to me, but I thought lost and given away due to the move.
Bitterly, I spoke. “So I suppose I don’t matter then?”
I set my napkin on the table and got up, stalking off to the other room. It didn’t occur to me that I was leaving Tony to fend for himself, but I was upset, and had no desire to shed tears in front of Jessica. Perhaps I was unfair to my father, but it isn’t like him to forget a promise, either.
I wasn’t alone for long before both Tony and Otosan found me. Tony took me into his arms to console me, as I was asked what my statement meant. Angrily I turned to face him and spoke before thinking. “You should have remembered your promise. But you broke it instead!”
Tony wisely slipped out of the house, gathering our things and headed outside to start the bike, sensing I would want to leave as soon as possible. Otosan tried to apologize to me, tried excusing his forgetfulness. I should have forgiven him. I think maybe I did, later, because I didn’t stay mad at him for long. Rather than forgive him, however, I spoke to him calmly and rationally (I believe I was rational, at least). “Otosan, I love you, and I always will. But I’m sorry – I will not come back to this house while she is still here!” and with that I left.
True to my word, I did not go back to the house unless Jessica was not present. I spent time with my father still, often meeting him for lunch and keeping him up to date about how I was doing in school. What I never discussed with him, however, were the raids the gang and I made on his company. While I heard his side of things, I showed concern to him, but nothing else as far as that subject was concerned. He didn’t need to know, and he wouldn’t have approved anyway.
For his part, Otosan never tried to bring Jessica with him after that, though he would bring her up, and I noticed the changeover from calling her Jessica to my Kaasan. For my part, as much as I may have wanted to, I never brought Tony with me, to avoid seeing Otosan’s disapproving looks and any commentary he might make.
It was on one of our lunch dates that Otosan tried to smooth things over, by stating that it was Jessica’s idea to postpone the wedding until I came around and accepted her. I told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t sure how likely that was to happen, all things considered. Of course, waiting lasted only about three years. After I complete my undergraduate studies, they are going to be married, whether I like it or not.
I have wild ideas, at times. Of running off and eloping with Tony, making it something Otosan and Jessica cannot be a part of, something that isn’t tainted by them. But Tony as of yet hasn’t shown interest in further commitment, nor have I exactly led him to believe that I want that in my life right now. Still, it’s a fun fantasy to think and plan and dream about. I just hope he doesn’t find out about it, I don’t know how he would react.
Sometimes I dream of moving back to Japan, to take up my old life and gradate into the life I was always meant to have. I had dreams of being a mangaka that would become wildly popular and get it’s own anime, or of being a professional cosplayer – or even both. Do I miss my old life? Certainly. It was much calmer when I was a Japanese resident. Would I give up my current life? No. The friends I have here are worth more than gold to me. They have supported me through so much turmoil, that I don’t know how I can even begin to repay that.
What do I want out of life now?
I’m not certain. Things keep changing, but I do know that I want to take chances and live to the fullest that I can. I want to experience the rush of adrenaline that comes with riding or experiencing something new for the first time.
I want my Otosan back. I want to know my mother’s family, to understand more about her, beyond Otosan’s stories.
I don’t want to be a slave to anyone or anything, I don’t want to be bound by my anger or fears.
I need a path, I need peace.
I need to find me.