After I had inadvertently killed Matt, I had considered, if only briefly, of asking Valeska to use the silver stake on me; to end it all so I couldn’t hurt anyone else. But I don’t want to cease existing. So I never asked. But I did tell her what had happened. I needed someone to know.
I did my best to not see the spot of blood on the carpet, and to ignore the scent of blood that still lingered in the air, taunting me. I had managed to keep my focus on talking to Valeska long enough to tell her what I needed to say, then spent the remainder of those first hours wondering just what I had become.
Was I a monster now? Did I have to be, or could I be something more? These questions weighed on me, until sleep came to settle my mind, and pulled me into blissful nothingness.
Ultimately, I don’t know if I can blame Seraphine for me being what I am now. I suppose I blame myself for vampire hunting, but more importantly, for talking to Blackwell alone. It has not escaped my notice that, had I said no, I would probably be the one dead on the floor and not Matt. After all, she had said he was the runner-up.
She seems to want the best for me — just for me to work at and improve on my art. That’s something that I can do. Moreover, I appreciate that that’s all that is being asked of me so far.
My life has changed literally overnight, and I don’t yet know how I’m going to handle it. I might be able to finish out the semester online, but I have to check with my Professors to see. I could switch to night classes, but then I’d be missing out on my apprenticeship at the Inkworks, which is more important to me, admittedly. I can’t drop out — my parents would never let me hear the end of it.
I don’t know what to do.
And of course, there’s Mark. I know we’ve only just met, but I really like him and, well, I don’t want to break things off if I can help it. But, I worry. What if I do to him what I did to Matt? Bree hugged me earlier, and she smelled good. Valeska hugged me a couple of times, and smelled really good. I don’t know what’s up with that, but I refuse to eat my friends if I can help it.
Speaking of eating, does this hunger ever go away?
Last night I ate Matt — drained him dry. And tonight, I still felt fairly hungry, and fed off a waiter. Seraphine stopped me from taking too much. Shouldn’t draining Matt have kept me sated though? Hell, I’m still hungry.
I need to stop thinking about blood already, and focus on my apartment hunting already. I like my roommates as people, but I don’t enjoy living in a crowded space overly much. I’ve been thinking about getting my own place for a while, and you can be damn sure that I’ll pay extra if I have to in order to be able to move in right away, what with my new condition and all. Can’t risk being walked in on while I sleep, and sunlight coming in after all. Maybe I should have stayed at Serpahine’s again, just to be safe.
But, damn it all, why is blood so damn tasty? For that matter, why did Seraphine choose me over Matt? Questions I should ask her, at least the latter, next time I see her. I wonder how many vampires are in Ashford, anyway?
Too much on my mind. Focus on the apartment hunting already.
…
There, a few applications put in, and I mentioned my availability to see places. Hopefully things work out soon. Please let them work out soon. I need this.
Hell, I need something to go positively for me right now. All I can see are the negatives.
Please…can someone help me?