Mandy clutched her bear tightly after her father left the room. Right now she wanted more than anything to just disappear – it might solve a lot of problems, after all. She couldn’t see past how everything stemmed from one bad choice – a choice that was her fault. There was no getting around that, no matter how many times people told her it wasn’t her fault.
If Blade had never come to Willow Creek, things would have been just fine. But he did, and her heart went out to him, despite having come to care about Timur in a short amount of time. That’s why she tried to compromise. Was it her fault that they both told her they were okay with sharing? Maybe…
She buried her face in the bear as the tears started to come again. Stupid, stupid stupid she told herself repeatedly. After a few minutes she pulled away from the bear and wiped the tears from her eyes. She got up and sat down at her computer, making sure to put Sir Mister nearby incase she needed him. Maybe if she went over what had happened, she could find a point where something really wasn’t her fault.
- Asked Blade and Timur to agree to share me. We all met together, and both said yes, though I learned later that neither really wanted to. My fault? Yes – they wanted to please me.
- Had sex with Ilyana, Trish and Michael. My fault? Maybe – I was the one who’d had a crush on Michael which led to the experimentation, though.
- Told Blade what I had done. My fault? Yes – I didn’t have to say anything, but I wanted to be honest. Result: I angered him into beating and raping me. My fault? Feels like it. If I hadn’t said anything, it wouldn’t have happened.
- Charles ghouled Michael. My fault? Yes – I’d angered Blade into threatening to kill Michael, by telling him about my night with the girls.
- Dad was threatened via use of non-conventional means (magic). My fault? Yes, same reason as above.
- Charles covered for me at the hospital in front of my father, so he wouldn’t know. My fault? Maybe not – Charles took it upon himself to lie for me. Then again, if I hadn’t tried to hit Blade, my wrist wouldn’t have been broken.
- Blade undergoes what I believe to be a harsh and maybe violent penance process. My fault? Yes – Charles asked me if I wanted revenge and I said yes.
- Charles offered to ghoul me. My fault? I don’t know. Ultimately, I turned him down because I didn’t want to risk running in to Blade. He said he understood. Now I’m not so sure.
- Dad gets ghouled by Petra. My fault? Yes – he did it so he could try and protect me better.
- Petra gets Brandon to agree to ghoul me. My fault? Yes – I turned down Charles. Not that this is really a bad thing in and of itself; just including for sake of completeness.
- Blade starts following me in an attempt to atone. My fault? Not directly. Charles told him to seek an opportunity – an opportunity he wouldn’t have needed had I not pissed him off in the first place.
- Have a meeting with Charles about Blade’s following me. Dad comes with, and ends up pulling a gun while I’m off alone in the restroom. My fault? I had agreed to the meeting, agreed for Dad to come with me. I couldn’t answer any of his questions and got upset and left. Words were exchanged, and he said something Dad didn’t like, hence why the gun. I didn’t find out until later that he’d basically said none of this would have happened, had I not wanted Timur and Blade both. So yes, in the long run, my fault.
- Petra comes out to discuss what happened with Dad, then goes to find out Charles’ side, ultimately setting up a meeting with all of us. My fault? Yes – I had mentioned why I was upset to a couple of different people – word must have gotten out.
- Charles loses Michael’s trust as well as loses him as a ghoul. My fault? Yes – I spoke to Michael about what happened.
- Meeting night. I don’t speak much, but a lot is said. Ultimate decision is that I am supposed to get therapy and then give Blade a chance at atonement. A couple of things come up that Dad didn’t know about. My fault? Meeting wouldn’t have been called in the first place were it not for me telling people why I was upset. So, yes. Also, I had been refusing therapy up to that point.
- Dad’s words to me in the car. Those really hurt. My fault? Definitely. I hurt Dad by not being open and honest with him. I should have been from the start.
- Conclusion: My fault.
Part of her wondered too, if her friendship with Trish had been damaged. She looked on Charles favorably, and Chance was his ghoul, so his perception would be colored as well. She didn’t want to lose a friend, but she might have. Trish hadn’t acted any differently at the study party earlier that day, but events may not have gotten back to her either.
She punched a pillow. Would everyone just be better off if I wasn’t here? What if I became a total introvert and just stayed locked in my room? No one would have to worry about me screwing things up. She shook her head. She couldn’t do that to Michael, or her Dad – even if they might be a little mad at her. She had a feeling that, even if she did Timur would just break into the house again to see her. That thought made her smile a little, though she did wonder if she’d hurt Timur at all, beyond the ‘share me’ stuff.
Tomorrow I should probably go to the outreach center and see this other counselor. the sooner I get things started, the sooner thing’ll be over.She froze as her Dad’s words in the car came back to haunt her. What if she started going crazy like her mom had? That was the last thing she wanted. She’d watched as her mom got progressively worse as Mandy got older. Things could get exceptionally bad when her Dad wasn’t home to temper her. Mandy could remember calling to complain, but couldn’t remember if she’d ever gone into specifics with her Dad when she did call him. She didn’t think she had. She shook her head. I’m not going to bring it up now – no use in bringing up the past; it’ll only make him feel bad and I don’t want that.
She thought then too of Jett and Brandon, wondering if she’d inconvenienced them much or at all. Had Jett told Vince maybe? She couldn’t imagine him being happy with her, causing all this controversy in his city. I have to try and keep up a good face. Don’t bring up anything yourself, and don’t indulge – at least for a while. See what counseling brings.
Setting down the well-loved bear, she got off the bed and began rifling through her dresser for a comfortable pair of pajamas. After finding a pair, she took off her jewelry and headed for the shower. She’d soak in the hot water and steam in an attempt to ease the tension and anxiety she felt. Maybe then she could sleep.
She was quiet as she moved from her room to the shower, not wanting to bother her Dad if he were sleeping. She got her long shower, then toweled off, dressed and quietly headed back to her room, closing the door just as quietly before flipping the light switch off and climbing into bed and clutching her bear before falling asleep.