I have nightmares, Lucas wrote. I don’t tell anyone because they worry enough over me already. I spend my days being able to lose myself in sketching or painting or even just spending time with my mom. But when I sleep, that’s a different story. I can’t escape what they did to me, and in the worst of my nightmares, no one comes to rescue me. I sleep alone, because I don’t want to burden anyone with my nightmares.
But I feel so very alone. I have sympathy – that isn’t the problem. I am in therapy – that’s going okay. Maybe I should show Charles this little bit in my notebook here, I don’t know. I feel isolated, and I don’t know if I’m doing it myself or not – I certainly don’t mean to do it myself. At best, my guess would be that no one (that I know of), can relate.
That could be just an excuse though – likely is. I ought to socialize more. It’s not like I don’t have friends – there’s Kevin and Jen and Adrienne, my former roommates. Kevin and Jen are a couple, and it feels like they’re getting distant. Adrienne isn’t going to be in Willow Creek much longer – she’s determined to head to L.A. and try to make it as a model or an actress.
There’s the locals closer to my age as well; the Russians – Timur, Sergei and Ilyana; Trish and Chance; Mandy and Michael. I hung out with them as a group at the recent bbq, and we got along well enough. Most of them are in the know about things and I could talk freely amongst them. Maybe I should do that.
Look at me – I don’t even know my own mind anymore. Definitely should show this to Charles at the next appointment – maybe he can decipher my contradictions.